What Now?

So much of what I am about to write perhaps more appropriately belongs in my Interior Dialogues blog but I'm posting it here because this will really speak to the spirit of a lot of what is happening to me, the new understandings I am unveiling. Perhaps later, when I can look at all of this, turn it over in my mind, examine it, I'll post it all there as well.

Call with M last night. Felt again pushed to feeling responsible for our uneven relationship. Felt PUSHED. Frustrated that nothing I do is right. At a loss. Don't know what to do or say. So much I hear and don't "get", so much that does not make sense, does not ring true. At a loss once again.

Avoid certain thoughts about m & d. Accept the flaws and damage. More sense of that with m. d is another matter. Silence was our communication. Only occasional glimmers of light. If something could be ignored, it would go away.

Things don't go away. They get buried. I BURY.

Love not felt.

Frozen out.
Freeze myself.
Felt lacking
Weight
Wanting approval.
String dangled.

Face it. FUCKING FACE IT.
I could never really do it right.

Tangled with S. Love her. Does SHE know or feel it? m all over again. What is missing? What else can I do?
Do to make it better.
Fix it.

You don't love me.
Comparisons.
Why can't you be more like . . .
Not accepted.
Strings

Love so much
Want so much
No wonder I CAN NOT cry.

Bridges being built
Incomplete.
Two cliffs
Two sides
Don't jump over, jump across.
Jump TO -
Catch -
Hang on

Understanding.