It's Only Thursday

It has been a rough week at work - so rough in fact, that I've avoided my computer for the past couple of nights. I'm working on some projects that require a lot of close work, going back and forth between screens on the monitor, formatting spreadsheets and generally just giving me one huge pain in my neck. On the upside - well, I'm getting a lot done at work. On the downside? I'm not getting very far on my kitchen; the file drawers are waiting to be filled, and I have about ten more pages to read to finish Reading Lolita in Terhan.

Reading right now is like slogging my way through knee high deep molasses. The world is full of distractions, none of them very interesting, just distracting. I've been trying to shake off a bit of sadness again and have come to the conclusion that there is something to be said for the approach of a full moon.

I find my mind busy with creating the end results of severa; home projects but they don't get any farther than my head. My list goes something like this:

1. Take a Before Picture of the bedroom linen closet.
2. Get to work curing that closet.
3. Take an After Picture of the CURE closet
4. Post it here and claim bragging rights.

5. Move to the kitchen nightly for one week.
6. Each evening do a bit of painting and sealing.
7. Take the After Picture of the finished west side of the kitchen.
8. Post pictures here and claim more bragging rights.

9. Begin anywhere - but be sure to begin - and start putting together mom/dad history.
10. Topics - photos, cards, accts, medical stuff, heritage paperwork.
11. Etc.
12. Etc.
13. Etc.

There's more, I'm sure, but it's a start. Hummmm, didn't mean to end on 13 on purpose but . . . well, could be a sign . . . of something anyway.

On to other things -

Corey's in California for a short visit and we've been talking about getting together now for a couple of months. Unfortunately, her dad is sick and it takes up (and rightly so) a lot of her time. And now he's feeling a bit better (Thank God) and it became abundantly clear to Corey and I that trying to fit a meet-up in was going to be too hard. So now we are talking about July. I can take lots of time off in the summer so that will give me a lot of flexibility. So, until July Corey . . . oh, and that hit and run at Starbucks on the 9th as we drive up to Portland. I'm going to try and make that happen.

That's another thing, we are driving to Portland Oregon (well, Forest Grove actually) for Erin's bridal shower. We leave March 9th. We will be meeting all of Erin's VERY LARGE family. Yikes!! Quiet, shrinking violet that I am, it will be tough going. LOL The wedding's in June so I'm hoping that I can actually do a meet-up of some of you Oregon bloggers. Not sure of our itinerary yet but it would be nice.


And in closing - one final thing. I got the nicest surprise in the mail today. An envelope arrived for me from Lee-Ann in Australia. I've been admiring her garden while mine is dead in the water thanks to some very severe frosts this year. So what do I find but this lovely garden magazine for summer 2007. Mind you, this is Australia so the summer is NOW. I love the seasonal twist and hope to find lots of good tips and inspiration from this wonderful surprise. Thank you so much Lee-Ann and also for the pretty card and lovely note that accompanied it.

Update on Woolies for Frida

The boxes are out and now it is all about waiting. Frida is back (as I'm sure many of you know) and I wrote for possible information of box arrivals. I knew it would take a while but the lesson in WAITING is still very much in effect. So I patiently wait and with Frida's permission, share this email from her with all of you.

Annie

**********************************************

Dear Annie,

Of course the waiting is hard - we get so used to mail taking months and months over here that I forget to even think about things coming, which makes it a lovely suprise when they do.

The phones are not working at the moment so I will email Julija and if I can't get hold of her that way I will be travelling to Ghor next week - yippee!!!

Thanks again for all this and you may be pleased to know (in a strange and slightly upside down way) that the cold has returned for a bit longer than expected so the woollens are still going to be very welcome and well used before the end of this winter.

Lots of warm wishes and pleas for patience with our slow systems over here,

xx

Daily Life

A sleeping rosebed. I'll try to take this picture again when the roses are blooming. Hopefully a bike, perhaps the same bike, will be parked there to complete the picture.



We have several doors in our building with knobs and locks that need repair. Like many "minor" things, this task went to the back burner. Well, that is until one of our students got locked inside a practice room and could not get out. That's Ken looking like a jailbird but actually he's practicing his guitar.

After much effort public safety and the campus locksmith and a little help from Ken on the other side and he was out. The lock did not survive.

As I sat waiting for Mass to start I noticed the lady across the aisle sitting in perfect comfort as she fingered her Rosary bead. I love the feeling this image gave me as I watched the elderly Vietnamese lady sitting quietly, in perfect relaxation in the Lord's presence.

Evaporation

I have so much to do today. Hair, banking, clothes shopping for an upcoming trip (yea trip, ugh to clothes shopping) and in between find the perfect cups of coffee.

Yesterday morning as I left for work I notice mist rising off the fence next to the mailboxes. I wondered if the camera would capture it. It DID and more. Here's a little teaser as I run out the door to start my day.

Have a great one everyone.

Later:

Today turned out great. Accomplished everything on my list. It's always a surprise to me when I actually have a successful shopping experience but two new ensembles later plus existing pieces already in my closet that work to make a third and fourth, and I find myself pinching myself. Did I really buy separates and coordinate? I'm a terrible shopper and try to stick with jeans, casual pants and tee's. But today that all changed. Part of the emerging new ME perhaps??

An Odd Day

What an irksome two days it has been. I’m moody, tired, busy as heck and none of it good busy. I woke up yesterday around 4:45 a.m. from a really unpleasant dream. Not a nightmare but bizarre, the sort that hangs with you in detail and now a day and a half later it still lingers. It doesn’t help that my daughter was the star of the show.

I’ve spend the week (since Monday) trying to get some things accomplished and I feel like I have chains on my ankles and am up to my knees in molasses. Today I see Fr. Silva again and I find myself making excuses to not go. Seeing him is a good thing so of course my inner voice that leads me to the line of least resistance encourages me to skip it. After all, I didn’t finish reading NOVO MILLENNIO INEUNTE. Oh the guilt of that. Then two old friends both told me I was avoiding the meeting so I geared up and decided to get my backside to the appointment. Of course, my 2:30 meeting went into overtime and I missed going anyway. I called and cancelled and will call again tomorrow to reschedule.

Why is it that when we are in the midst of doing something really good for ourselves, we end up doing our best to sabotage the action? Aggravating but then life is like that sometimes.

Childhood lessons

The gospel readings for the past several weeks have been focused on God's love and our response to evil with good. This week's readings from Samuel, Psalms, 1st Corinthians and Luke speak to us of revenge and the evil that comes from it.

Revenge
Retaliation
Tit for tat
If you do this, I'll do that
Attack for attack
A lesson we learn from childhood.

The smallest things in life are effected by these early learned actions and while we learn lessons of kindness and mercy at the same time, we are bringing these action lessons into our adult lives as well. It is up to us to determine as adults which inclination will have the most strength.

I was talking with a friend last night who was feeling sad because she had inadvertently offended someone (something I have done myself just recently). Yes, we make errors in judgment but the saddest part of such events is when the offended person does not want to talk and find resolution. That is when I realize that I have met someone I would call a HUNTER - a person who consciously or not, watches for a person they can use, harm, make feel unsure of themselves. They can cause great harm with their acts of revenge, retaliation, even just the threat of it. They are an avenging Abishai to a merciful David (Book of Samuel).

It is a sadness for me that there is so little obvious acts of love, kindness, mercy, forgiveness and healing. And yet, I know it is out there hungering to be seen, heard and felt. Someone had an idea decades ago of producing a good news newspaper. Then they laughingly said no one would buy it. I wonder if that was ever true? I wonder if it is true now?

We are so assaulted by hate news that we forget that the world is full of good, that there is another way.

To love as God is
To love beyond the
Hatred
Revenge and
Retaliation.

Beyond the boundaries we find
Kindness
Mercy
Forgiveness
Healing and
Compassion

Love the one who hates you.
Love with the love of God.
Love across the boundaries.
It will be the hardest thing we ever do
But the rewards are the richest.

Living reflectively pushes our growth in love.
As we reflect, we must be patient with ourselves,
Become one with God through our love of God.
Going beyond the boundaries.

So dear friend out there - love yourself, feel sure of yourself. Love beyond the boundaries. Love who do not love you. And be patient with yourself. We make mistakes. We are human. And we move on.

One Deep Breath - The SPICE of Music

Sob

of

Cello

Trill of flute

Papercutter hush

Lobby Conversations immerse

Greet me as I greet my afternoon

Ragtime piano

Rising scales

Light hums

Soothe

Me

The Librarian of Basra

Jone over at Deo Writer recently mentioned a children's book entitled The Librarian of Basra. She mentioned it in a comment on my Iraq Diary post. I was at Border's today to pick up The Rule of Benedict (and of course left with four books, not just one). But before I left, I remembered the Basra book and found one copy in the children's section. This is a marvelous picture book that in a very few words, conveys a startling message of bravery and determination. Even if you don't have young children, I would encourage anyone who loves inspirational true life stories to add this book to their library. You never know when you might have a little one sitting on your lap asking you to read a book to them.

New Appliances Part One

It's move-in day today. The first of the new appliances have arrived. New fridge, new washer and dryer, new oven (to be installed next week), and new dishwasher (to be installed on Monday). This is really pretty amazing and unexpected. We went from replacing the dryer to acknowledging that the washer and fridge were 20 years old too so let's replace all three. Then the oven and non-working microwave top got caught in the DH's eagle-eyed radar and the next thing I know we are getting a new oven too. Must say - I'm one happy gal.

OLD OVEN/MICROWAVE COMBO

Anticipating that there would all these new goodies in the kitchen (washer/dryer in the garage), I decided it was time to start painting the cabinets in the kitchen again. Our galley kitchen has been a work in stalled progress for over three years. Now I've gotten the bottom cabinets primed and base coated and the wood case around the oven was finished off this morning (well the bottom part of it anyway).















The open area, where the microwave used to be is going to be left open. I'm going to ask DH to install a couple of pull-out cabinet drawers to allow for movable open shelving. This is, of course, assuming that we can do this with an oven. Delivery and hookup expert explained about insulation so I expect this will not be a problem. Total newbie that I am to this sort of stuff, I worry about and question everything.



















Gus, as you can see, was singularly unimpressed

I Live on Hope Street

I just noticed that I did not start a Good Things report for this week. It hasn’t been a bad week at all, just very, very busy. Classes started at university this week. Lots to do. Lots of lost students finding their way around the arts complex. Just call me information central.

I have one more box to mail to Afghanistan and will do that either Saturday or Monday. I’m thinking of sending this one UPS rather than USPS. I’ve been requesting tracking so that I can determine when a particular box leaves the country. I’ve since learned that tracking is 100% dependent on someone at the receiving end scanning the tracking number into the system. No scan, no record to track. Not great service for something you pay for. Two never got scanned. Five were. And only ONE indicates that it left from the New Jersey APO departure point and that one was sent two weeks ago.

At this point, I must remind myself to continue to take it on faith that this will come together for Frida. So many good people offered so much for these kids. I simply have to keep reminding myself that I knew this would take time and the end result might be a little iffy. I still live on Hope Street though so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Phone Call for a Spirit

Phone call at work.
Unsettling, dismaying.
An unknown voice asks
"How is your mother?"

Confused.
Bewildered.
Perplexed.
Mystified.

Staring at the phone
Groping for coherent words.
"Who is calling?" though I already know.

Follow-up phone calls
on discharged patients.
Records incomplete.

"Don't you know my

mother died the day before

her discharge to hospice?"

Embarrassment and regret.

Sympathy for the caller.

She couldn't have known.

She should have known.

She should have been told.

Sparing us both

Confusion

Regret

Happy Valentines Day

For Zohra

Dark night carries
Sleep fragmented wakefulness
I pray for slumber

One Deep Breath - Shelter

Listen open heart

For tears of wee sobbing hearts

Hear and give shelter.

Iraq Diary

In this week's New York Times Review of Books I ran across an article entitle "Diary of Saad Eskander, Director of the Iraq National Library and Archive". I clicked the link and found myself at a news article. Within the article was a link to the UK British Library.

This past November Mr. Eskander started sending periodic emails to the British Library keeping them updated his efforts and that of his staff to rebuild the National Library's collection. As I read these moving posts I felt I was getting a truer and more honest picture of what in actually happening in Iraq now. His simple, unglossed statements of the daily tragedies and dangers say more than any picture can convey on the major media outlets. And it was in one paragraph from his post of Dec. 23-28 that underscored for me the knowledge that there is hope for peace in Iraq.















Mr. Eskander wrote . . .It was a Christmas period and the security situation was as bad as ever. We have four Christians in our institution. The first two, 'A' and 'B', work in the Archive, the third, 'C', in the Library, and the fourth, 'D', in my office. I gave them a 5 day break to celebrate Christmas. 'D' took just one day off. She continued to show up, even when the main roads were blocked. I advised her to cover her hair, when passing through dangerous areas (i.e., under the control of the militias and armed gangs). She said that she (had been) wearing Hijab for some time to to hide her identity (i.e. being Christian).

I was moved by Mr. Eskander's caution in naming these individuals and I was impressed that Muslims and Christians were working harmoniously together for a common good, saving the Iraqi library and archives. These are the voices we need to hear louder and with greater strength. These brave people must somehow unify to become stronger than the insurgents and the sectarian violence tearing their country apart.

For more about this on-going diary, please click here.

Reading and Writing and Painting, Oh My!

I seem to have struck on a theme in the last couple of days. The Wizard of Oz has struck again and I unrepentantly free associate from Lyman Frank Baum's "Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! But that is what I did today". Last night I crashed at 9 pm which is a minimum of 2 hours early for me. Even more amazing, I awoke at 7 am after sleeping straight through without interruption. I don't even remember laying down last night. I think it was the meds. LOL

So after waking, I check my email, etc. and then made myself comfortable reading more of Reading Lolita in Tehran. I knew I had a big day of writing ahead of me and reading this excellent book and following up with a NAP (what??? is getting into me???) I was ready to head out the door.

I met with my spiritual director, Fr. Silva, this past Thursday and after a couple of days of letting the meeting sinking in, I finally understood what reading Benedict's Deus Caritas Est meant to me. Click here please for more about that.

The efforts to finish the painting in my kitchen continue. I started painting the case where the oven/microwave combination used to be. I have to finish painting that before the new oven is installed. If I don't, I'll be playing heck painting and avoiding dropping paint on the oven. That would not be a pretty outcome. I have before pictures in progress and will post it all on a later post.

I finished my Good Things report for the week and my day has come to a satisfying and accomplishment-filled ending.

Talking with a mouthful

I considered taking a picture of my late lamented tooth and posting it but then decided that was absolutely TMI!!!! I must admit though that it was fascinating seeing the problem child and it was very apparent to me, once I knew what I was looking at, why it was such a problem. But it really is a quite good looking tooth so I may drop it into a glass vial and wear it. OK. OK! Just kidding. No Angie/BillyBob symbols of undying devotion for this gal.

However, the whole extraction process and bone grafting was really interesting and went very easily today. I was really surprised. The surgeon knew what she was doing and was gentle and confident. I felt very secure. I ice packed my cheek on and off for a few hours, am being careful to eat soft foods, and will get ready for round two the middle of March. The best thing that came out of this day was my daughter, Krista, being able to talk with the dental assistant who is now studying to be a dental hygienist. Kris has been re-inspired to get back to school. She was able to stay in the room and observe the extraction and the bone grafting. It totally reaffirmed her desire to go into the dental hygiene profession.

The cool thing about the procedure too was that I managed to actually talk through some of it and make myself understood. That was some trick considering I had at least 3-4 tools and at least three hands in my mouth all at once. Anyway, once Miss Behaving Tooth was out we were all high fiving and then the bone grafting began. Another interesting experience. Sounded weird but I didn't feel a thing. After suturing me up, they turned me loose. There was a bit of dizziness so I was really glad my toothfairy daughter was with me to do the driving. She was quite bossy and insisted I follow all the directions to the letter. She's currently a medical assistant and all I can say is "Sheesh, give a person a little knowledge and they think they know everything". LOL

Glinda as the Tooth Fairy

I woke up this morning thinking about the day ahead of me and Corey's idea about naming my toothfairy. At first I thought I would run a contest for the name but this morning I woke up and remembered that as a child I had LOVE Glinda the Good Witch from the Wizard of Oz. That settled it. So everyone, please say hello to Glinda the Toothfairy. She will be keeping company with me for quite a while.

Life's Little Curves and TMI so skip if you hate dentistry

So - life has thrown me a little curve. Well, actually a massive curve in the form of oral surgery. After 18 months of sporadic efforts (on my part) to save a tooth, I've been told that it is a ticking time bomb and MUST GO. I have learned more than I ever wanted to learn about dental problems and the biggest thing I've learned is how insidiously they sneak up on you. One day you are minding your own business, brushing your teeth, checking breath with the occasional cough cough into the hand and the next you discover that one tooth must go and two others are in dire trouble.

The next several months of my life will be wrapped up in extractions (one), bone graphs (three), sinus lift (one) [with no discernible improvement on my aging face - sigh], gum reconstruction (two) and an implant (one). Good Grief!!! The next nine months of my life will have me devoted to some level of discomfort and/or pain with the end result of some nifty but hard-won dental improvements. Nine months. Hmmm, can you say pregnancy? Sounds like a gestation to me. The big first day in Friday at 10 a.m.

Funny the things you think about when you have this sort of thing facing you. What's on my calendar? How do I time things for least discomfort and maximum fun? What IS on my dance card??? Well, there is a visit from an unnamed person that I will crow about here after our meet-up and there is Erin's bridal shower in Oregon (my future daughter-in-law). Then there is the wedding in June. OK, round two of the major work will happen in mid-March after the shower and three months before the wedding (and parenthetically, my first real vacation in three years. I am so ready). That will have the "worst" of it behind me for a while.

And what is the big lesson here? Well, when your dentist is warning you about deep pockets (and I don't mean of the money sort), pay attention. This stuff is truly insidious. There generally isn't any pain associated with it until you DO feel pain. By then it is too late. Sad to say, but a hard and expensive lesson. Even with good insurance coverage, I'm going to have to dig into some deep pockets and those ARE the money ones of speaking of.

One Deep Breath - Dusk/Twilight

How could I have known

that twilight would usher me in

to a whole new dawn

photo from Stock.xchang

Good Things Treasure Chest - Feb. 4th - 10th

Feb. 4th -
Excellent homily. The Colts won. Did a lot of writing today.

Feb. 5th -
Two more boxes out the door. Cleaned the oven cabinet with mineral spirits. Tomorrow I prime.
























Feb. 6th -
Today is bright and beautiful. Then I found out I had to have oral surgery on three teeth. I know there must be a silver lining in here somewhere.

Feb. 7th -
Lost is back and on tonight. Sixteen new episodes coming up. Yippee!!

Feb. 8th -
Box #8 out the door today.

Feb. 9th -
The tooth came out with relative ease. Pharaceuticals made it all very easy today.
I spent the afternoon watching this funny little show on the E! called High Maintenance 90210. Total amusement for a rainy day and an upper jaw that needs TLC.

Feb. 10th
Spent several hours at Borders. Found a comparative religion book and wrote of my last meeting with Fr. Silva. Surprising things emerged.

Realization

By the grace of God

I am what I am

And His grace to me

Has not been

Ineffective.

Sunday Scribbles #45 - Good-Bye

I find myself in the midst of many good-byes and a whole new series of hellos at this point in my life. I have 59 years to look back on. Here are a few of my good-byes in no particular order of appearance in my life and the hellos that came of them

I've said good-bye to
My father over and over again when his ship was deployed.
Homes eight times in eight years.
An ill-conceived marriage
Harmful friendships
A controlling advisor
The psychological damage he caused
Parents
Childhood
The first house we bought
To worklife - a very long and on-going good-bye
Fanciful dreams
Romance Novels
Religion in a box
Youth
Discouragement

On the flip side I have said hello to
Settled living
A good and enduring marriage
A few good and long-term friends
My counsel and only my good counsel
A long hello to approaching retirement
New fanciful dreams and making them reality
Serious books and books about life
Faith
Age
Hope

Good Things Treasure Chest - Jan. 28th - Feb. 3rd

January 28 - Lots of busy work accomplished today. Especially good is getting Quanah and Erin's wedding favor materials ordered.

January 29th - Created a new blog today - INTERIOR DIALOGUES. Deborah ok'd my time off in March to go to Erin's bridal shower in Oregon.

January 30th - Nothing

January 31st - Nothing

February 1st - lunch with Kristina and Ali, two sweet young women with their lives before them. I chatted with Miss Robyn on Yahoo Messenger tonight. What a treat. Feeling a bit better (big mental crash Monday and Tuesday that all come pouring out today in a separate post). I need to pay attention to my grief. I've been ignoring it.


February 2nd -Did a lot of thinking today. Read four more pages of Benedict's encyclical.

February 3rd - Coffee this morning at House of Java. With some marathon reading, I finished Benedict's encyclical. Much to reflect upon. Huge shopping success at Target. Lots of underwear for the kids in Afghanistan. Found the next book to read after I finish Reading Lolita in Tehran - Sidney Poitier's Measure of a Man.

Light and Shadows

Lisa and I have been staying in touch as we go through the pain of the loss of family members. As I wrote to her today I realized that so much of it is all light and shadows right now. I just passed through my own most recent shadow as you may have read a few days ago and I know I can expect more but they will come farther apart with time, I'm sure. And with each shadow comes a bit more light. I received some today and will write about it more over the next couple of days. I'll probably cross-post it in my other two blogs but I will note the link at this, my main site. Thank you for all of the blessings so many of you have sent not only to me but to so many others in need.

Three more out the door

Three more boxes are out the door now. I came home tonight anticipating the shipment of a couple more boxes of woolies early next week and walked into a surprise. Cheryl in Kentucky sent two boxes that were filled with what I can only describe as the Mother lode. When she said she found some great clearance sales, including some snow pants, she wasn't kidding. And how about these totally adorable little baby Uggs. There are several in the box. Cheryl cleaned up. Tomorrow I go shopping with one more Target gift card. This one will buy underwear, tank tops, etc. And Lisa, oh great collector of hotel bathroom goodies, is sending her collection of good smelling stuff. What started out as woolies as evolved a bit into "necessaries" as well.


God bless you all. You are truly angels on earth.

Ascender tagged me for Six Weird Things About Me

1. I love watching Japanese horror films.

They are so totally creepy.

2. I would like to take a cooking class with my husband. He doesn't cook and I hate to cook. WHY would I want to take a cooking class???? REALLY?

3. Everyone I know says travel to Hawaii, Bahamas, or Mexican Riviera is at the top of their list. ME? I would be in heaven if I could take an Antarctic cruise.

4. Winter beach vs. Summer beach. Hands down - give me a winter beach (see #3 for connection)

5. I love escargot.

6. I find it hard to finish things and then I completed The Artist's Way on my first go around. And in twelve weeks!! Go figure.

Mother Goose

Walking back from lunch today

I found this sweet vignette of Mother Goose come to life.

Blues of the non-musical sort

Is it possible to be happy about the success of a project and then feel a sort of emptiness as it draws to a close? I'm thinking yes because I'm feeling perilously close to that empty feeling I experienced after my mother died.

There are a lot of loose ends still to be wrapped up. I suppose that is why I'm struggling with the spiritual part of myself that yearns to just break free of work and locale. If I could create a perfect me-world it would be peopled with flowers from my gifted green thumb; art from my heart and from the heart of others; a studio that magically resurrected itself and kitchen cabinets all shabby chic Tuscan and complete.

There is a part of me that wants to skip all the steps of getting there. I've always been like that and it's only been over time that I've been able to develop any discipline and focus. Have you ever felt that you were being pushed in a particular direction and the only reason you are making any progress at all is because life expects progress? Life happens around you when you aren't looking, someone said.

The word rootlessness has been bothering me lately. I am ashamed that I still feel the rootlessness of my childhood considering the goodness in my life - a home, children, a dear husband, expectations and hopes for a creative future.

I find that while I am taking a more active role in what I do with my time, what I feed my mind, I still cannot come to grips with the one thing that completely defeats me and that is my image of myself and my relationship with food. I screamed at myself this morning "How hard is it to just say 'NO'!". I felt like Nancy Reagan was shaking her finger at me so I screamed back at her. I don't remember what it was I screamed but my car's interior is still vibrating, I'm sure.

The disquiet has been sneaking up on me all week. I haven't even written any Good Things notes this week. Three weeks have gone by and now I'm dropping the ball. Three weeks is a sort of real doing barrier for me. I often lose the power to continue projects after about three weeks. I wonder if others feel this start and stop rhythm in their lives.

There are three things I would like to do in the next two weeks - one is very easy. Tonight I pack two more boxes for Frida. Then this weekend I finish one side of the kitchen. And if I could, I would completely gut my studio all of next week and save only that which is most precious. I'm frozen in place and desperate for a thaw. Don has given me a plan but it's up to me to get started. But in the meantime, I must find a way over this latest black hole that is creeping up on me, engulfing me, and trying to convince me that I am somehow less than I really am. Frida calls it Black Dog. Welcome to Black Dog Land, Anne, and now dig under the fence and get the hell OUT of it.