One Deep Breath - The Unseen

Whispered words flow
softly through my heart proving
that she is still here.

+

Kind thoughts and prayers

strengthen, uplift and shelter;

warmly surround me.

The Longest Day

It has been a long, long day. Mom's funeral was this morning and I was so happy to see so many people come to remember her. It was a modest turnout of about 50 people but considering mom's isolation due to her stroke these past several years, it was a gratifying turnout and reunited us with some friends we had lost track of who, though much younger than mom, were nevertheless quite close to her.

I actually dressed up. I didn't quite recognize myself. I even wore heels. One inchers, for sure but since I'm flats girl, that one inch was impressive. Ten hours later, my feet are still feeling it.

I'll be getting back to my blog soon. I have quite a lot to write about. I am so grateful for all of your notes and messages; your expressions of sympathy and condolences. If I ever needed proof of the power of good thoughts and well-wishes, this was certainly the proof. Your warm thoughts, words and prayers have truly been strengthening.

Life after Life

When my father died 5 1/2 years ago, the passage for this world to the next seemed relatively simple. Dad was sick. Hospice cared for dad. Dad died. The time leading up to the funeral followed a step by step path. But now, with mom, it feels so different.

Mom had a stroke. Mom recovered and then declined over a 2 1/2 year period. Her loss came in bits and pieces and as she adjusted to the limitations of her life and as we developed a language that brought a degree of communication, I somehow came to believe that with care, good food, and a safe environment, she might actually live a very long life. But more and more, mom voiced her desire to be with dad; her readiness to leave this life. Then on July 10th mom tripped.

Even now, three months after that fateful fall, I find it hard to understand how a trip and an injured foot could lead me to this moment, sitting here writing and reflecting on the business of life after life. That trip taught me that with age, life truly becomes vulnerable to the smallest things.

There is much that has been reflected upon and much that still needs thinking about but the most interesting detail of life after life was discovering that mom's life suddenly became bookended by two songs.

Good-bye, mom, but just for a while

Fay Monica Bottiglieri Bastian

July 21, 1920 - October 22, 2006

Haiku - Life seasons

Peace Haiku

Peace lives in her eyes.

A warm hand, a blessing full.

The circle closes

Little surprises

Corey, over at Tongue in Cheek, asked us today, what makes our hearts skip a beat. Well, I love to find little surprises tucked away in pockets and pouches much like the items above that I found this morning. The little art doll pins were a gift. The little clay goddesses were a treat of my own that I made for a few friends when we all met for a day of art in November 05. I brought them home tucked away in a pretty fabric camera case and they emerged this morning eliciting instant great memories and just in time for Corey's "what makes your heart skip" question.

Last Rites

Today we bless mom with Last Rite.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Blackbird Haiku

Some of my best observations seem to happen at stoplights. This morning I saw



Photo from StockExchange

Blackbird picking at
grass. A nut too hard to break.
Blackbird flies away.

One Deep Breath - Countryside

Bejeweled cliffsides

Rouged, wet, windblown brightness

Offer scents crisp and clean.

Sunday Scribbles - One Minute at a stoplight

The Hovering Man

I was driving back to work at the end of my lunch hour yesterday and was stopped at the Geer and Monte Vista stoplight. As I waited for the light to change, I observed from about four cars back, a couple waiting for the light to change as well.

He was tall, broadshoulders, athletic, bi-racial, bald, dressed in sweats and a tankshirt.

She was in jeans carrying a small pack. S

he was tiny with long brown hair and less than half his size.

She was leaning lightly into the lightpost as she pressed the walk button.

He faced her hovering but not crowding as he light touched her shoulders.

She was facing forward accepting his touch but not moving towards him.

His focus was entirely on her.

Her focus seemed to be looking outward - waiting for the light to change.

He turned away facing forward.

He turned back and touched again.

He turned away again.

She never moved until the light changed.

If I had to judge them as a couple right at that moment with no other information to go on I would have to think that he was much more involved and aware of her than she of him.

Liquid Amber

herhimnbryn asked what liquid amber pods looked like. Since there is no email attached to your site, I hope you stop by the visit and see this. These seed pods are hard, spiny and dark brown. They have dropped me to my knees at least a couple of times when I wasn't watching where I was stepping. Dangerous little thingies, they are.

Chocolate Swap

I have just one thing to say about LeeAnn. The woman knows how to SHOP for chocolate. This basket arrived with crunchy chocolate, soft chocolate, milk, white, and dark chocolate. There was toffee chocolate, mint chocolate and coffee beans covered in chocolate.

Five weeks ago I signed up for this swap. Two weeks ago I started changing my eating habits (notice I did not say "diet")? One week into it, THE BASKET arrives. I had lost five pounds that week. Would you say I saw doomed? Well, I might have thought so too but somehow I knew that this could all just fit together. And fit together it has. I've been enjoying my little treats on a regular basis and have still lost another four pounds at the end of my second week.

LeeAnn, what did you send me??? Sugar-free chocolate!!!???? LOL

Seriously, this is all just too wonderful. It was a lot of fun and I can't wait to join something like this again. Miss R, are you listening? So, LeeAnn, give those little helper elves of yours big hugs from a very appreciative Yankee.

Capitola Escape

We took another break this past weekend and drove over to Capitola to visit our friends Gary and Francine at their new home. Capitola is a small beach community just south of Santa Cruz.



There is a great old wharf with a good seafood restaurant at the end. The open-air bar upstairs was filled with live music, dancing, and good food. The sun was shining; the water glistened. The call of seagulls filled the air. The salty sweet fragrance of ocean and flowers tantalized.



The village area is book ended by two hillsides. To the north, where Gary and Phaa live, is the Jewel district. Predictably, the streets here are named after jewels. Gary and Phaa live on Jade Street. To the south is the historic Victorian area filled with grand old ladies and the occasional non-Victorian designs. All are lovingly cared for.

After lunch Gary and Don tramped off to visit the Ladies, climbing up 85 steps at one point to reach the streets. Phaa and I explored the river walk area

and hit the shops in the village. Wisely, we let the men go off with all the cash and plastic. Of course this was the day I found the perfect Christmas gift for my brother (I’ll have it shipped) and a $2.00 Dooney & Burke purse in a thrift shop. ** sigh**

We saw
- gulls fighting over pizza;
- fishermen and their catch;
- kites flying

- boats on a hoist


- ladies sitting in a row reading




- the catch of the day being cleaned


It was a wonderful day.

One Deep Breath - Books

My father's escape

Understanding dawns clear now

Crossword puzzle books

Saying good-bye to Paw Kitty

Miss Paw



Gus nozzling Paw


My day started out terribly and even though I finally got on a even keel, it was a sad day all around. I usually wake up to two cats meowing for food and tripping me as I head for their bowls. This morning there was only one cat. Since we knew it was only a matter of time before Paw Kitty left us, I went in search of her. It didn't take too long to find her. She was on our sofa and I was sure she was dead. I woke up Don so he could pick her up and move her to the backyard for burial and he discovered she was still alive. But she was so sick (kidneys) that by 8:30 I was able to put her together with our vet and we said good-bye to her.

We said hello to Paw Kitty ten years ago. She was a feral cat, one of many all around the university campus. We were over at school one night for a concert and as we waited, Krista disappeared to check things out and wander around. She was 12 at the time. Eventually she came back in and she was carrying the most pathetic little kitty I had ever seen. Paw Kitty was skin and bones.

She was about 8 months old and I had seen her with her first litter of kittens several days before Kris found her. By this time, Paw had gone into survival mode and had abandoned her litter. She was starving to death. We brought her home that night and eventually she came home to stay. I fed her throughout the summer on a ledge outside of the music building and as she grew in strength, she turned into a pretty if very small kitty.

August is the traditional time for us to take a vacation together. The kids were both out of school and work was slow for me. The timing was perfect. What wasn't so perfect was the big grey Tom that was raiding Paw Kitty's bowl not to mention looking for a little action with the little lady. That did it. Paw came home permanently. She moved in, got fixed, and made it clear to the other cats in the house that she was not to be messed with.

Over the years she completely attached herself to Don. Don was her human. He was even able to evenually get her to lay in his lap. He's good that way. But when the end came, it was too painful for him and I took Paw to the vet. I've done this before. It is my fate to be some sort of angel of death for our pets. I don't mind. I truly believe that God expects us to usher our little friends out if we can. This is why whenever any of our cats have just upped and disappeared, I watch out for them for them long after they are gone. I don't like to think that they died alone.

Oddly, what I thought about during all of this was mom. We put our pets away but not our loved ones. Not that I would choose to do that, but it is interesting I think of how the level of suffering in this life equates with salvation as does the level of compassion that we give to those who are helpless

Random Moments #4

Have you ever been in a situation where you hear something and it is so fantastic that you think you are being strung along by a whopping big liar or it is all absolutely true, no middle grown? That is what I came smack up against on Saturday, my own "A Beautiful Mind" encounter.

My friend Linda whom I had not seen for a while called and invited me to drive up to Lodi with her. It was a long drive and we had a lot of catching up to do. It was the perfect opportunity. Several hours later we are heading home and making a sidetrip through Modesto trying to connect with a woman Linda needed to drop off some supplies for for a special event. Many phone calls with no answer later, we pull up to her front door and proceed to wait. But we immediately become baffled. The windows are wide open, the sliding door to the backyard is open, there is music playing LOUDLY, and food is laid out for a party. Clearly, someone is expecting company. 5:55 p.m. the lady of the house drives up. She had gone out to pick up a few things. And the story went from there. In no particular order, we heard about:

1. Her wheelchair bound husband committing fraud and actually being able to walk just fine;

2. 32 years of marriage down the drain and now a clear understanding of demons at work in her life;

3. Her husband a Scott Peterson revisited;

4. In August he had committed her to an insane asylum (you can't do that in California without a court order - or so the law says);

5. Her husband's Satanism contaminating the house and she is replacing everything - furniture, the car, major appliances, kitchen stuff, etc;

6. Her adult sons brainwashed by him and they are just going along with her, indulging her housecleaning;

7. She's on disability (and buying??? all this stuff);

8. Her employer is trying to fire her;

9. No one showing up for the party but that's ok. She didn't make phone calls anyway so if anyone shows up, it's God at work;

10. We showed up

and more. It was all really quite extraordinary. And mind you, I had never seen this woman in my life and Linda had met her only a couple of times. I felt like I was a visitor to her private planet.

As we drove away, Linda asked me for my take on what we had just heard. Basically, it was as I said above - either the real thing or A Beautiful Life moment. I felt sorry for the woman and it was a valid feeling either way. If it's true than her life has been turned upsidedown and law be damned. If it's all a fantasy, I am sorry for her severe disconnect with reality. The scary thing is that if it is all a fantasy, she is functioning in the real world very successfully as she lives in her own private world.

Random Moments #3

Krista enjoying her new reading glasses. They must be working. She's read two books since getting them. LOL

Random Moments #2

Mom has two roommate, Doris by the door and Margie by the window. Mom is in the middle bed of the three-bed room. Margie is sharp as a tack and struggling to recover from a variety of ailments. Doris is a sweet little lady who can't walk anymore and is very forgetful. She lives in her own little world and she invites mom in often. I hear from the nurse staff that they have interesting conversations and hold hands. Doris talks and mom nods and squeezes her hand. Last week while visiting mom and Doris linked up again and this lovely pictures of two old but very strong hands was gifted to me. I love the colors behind their hands. It makes me think of raspberry and pistachio sherbert against a clear cloudless sky.

Random Moments #1

I've been feeling so scattered lately. Haven't been able to focus on anything. But life keeps moving forward so I decided that instead of being all organized with my writing, I would take a page for the style book of James Joyce and just let it flow.

Quanah and Erin spent a day exploring Pittsburgh PA during one of his recent visits there. I'm at work when the cell phone rings. Because of mom, I always have my cell phone on. Well, surprise! It's Q and he and Erin are at the Build-A-Bear factory in Pittsburgh. Have any of you heard of this? Anyway, Q called for feedback about the appearance of the bear and I received detailed descriptions of size, texture, color and degree of softness. The end result was Bubba the Bear. Yes, Bubba. That is his official name and he comes complete with a birth certificate giving all of the important vital statistics of a newly built bear.

The box arrived and rather than open it, I delivered it to mom. She tore at it with all the strength and grace of a two month old puppy. What a mess. What fun. I chose to post the picture above because I love mom's hands. I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to post a picture of mom here now because she is a very different woman than the lady you see in prior entries. I started to quiz my sibs but my gut kept saying that mom's hands were beautiful and she would not want to be put on public display. So no face, just those beautiful hands as she hugs Bubba and Monkey.

Asleep at the wheel

Well friends, I'm just totally asleep at the wheel. Have some things to say but none of it is coming out. I think I just need to keep scribbling away and eventually it will make some sense. I'm here and I'm actually feeling pretty upbeat. I'm just stuck in the mud. Anyone got a big flat board I can stick under my wheels?