Downtime is a good thing

Four days into my five days off and I'm feeling much more rested. I've needed to just decompress from work and I don't mind saying that until I started writing this post today, I had not thought about work once.

I've also been able to do a lot of writing, reflecting, and met with my spiritual director, Fr. Silva, yesterday. I really poured out some stuff to him and it's amazing how helpful a totally objective and insightful person can be. So, even though I still have much thinking and interior work to do, I have already passed one test and I'm pleased with how I managed things.

There are lots of micro-sized things to work on but the big picture item is now being without any responsibility to aging parents or growing children. I have complete freedom to pursue who I am. I know that is a way over-used phrase but that is exactly what is going on. I am learning how to be true to and secure about myself, understand myself, and I'm starting to zero in on the most true expression of the creative side of myself.

I'm discovering that the areas I felt I was lacking in and that I viewed as a weakness (focus, authority, discipline, and structure - FADS) were actually expressions of my more introverted and reflective personality. I show a very different face to the world so I'm often mistaken as being a gregarious and outgoing person. Surprise, surprise - I'm not really the extrovert I thought I was. Yes, I'm not shy; yes, I'm open and friendly to people, but I find it much easier to be on my own or close to just my immediately family and long-time friends, then pursuing day in and day out social friendships. Basically, I'm accepting that I am very comfortable in my own skin and I should not view the lack of a large social network as a failure on my part. I guess a good way to put this is, where friendships/family relationships are concerned quality will always win out over quantity.

Mom's death has freed me to stand on my own; has freed me to move forward to a discovery of my real strengths and along the way, I'm discovering that FADS are really my friends, not the negatives that I have come to view them as. I can tell FOCUS that it is alright if I daydream. Daydreams are what bring me to my poetry and vision of the world around me. I can tell AUTHORITY that even though I might consult with others, in the end, it is my opinion, my feelings that count. I can tell DISCIPLINE that it is perfectly alright if I don't go from point A to point B with no sidetrips inbetween. If I finish something fast, fine. If it takes me years, fine. And I can tell STRUCTURE that I'm not a youth anymore. I don't need the structures and rules of childhood to clutter my adult thinking. I don't need to have my adult mind intruded upon by voices that sound like lecturing scolds.

Coming to grips with the adult person that I am isn't easy. Even though I feel I have been a successful adult - strong marriage, adult children that are managing life well, a job I feel a lot of loyalty to and responsibilty for - there are still those lessons to learn when you are on your own and cut loose from whatever it is that ties you to the idea of putting others first.

The two things that I would like to change and improve on are weight and writing.

Weight is a complicated issue for nearly all women and I have no intention of exploring my weight issues here. However, I did make a decision today to try again to get healthy. After mentioning bi-pass surgery to Don, I discovered that he was not keen on the idea at all. He asked me why I couldn't try again with something that I have tried with some success in the past. Since I know that the 3 week or 3 month mark tend to be my downfall times, I'm going to go into this time with a counselor and tackle those tough times as they approach and ask for help getting through them. Also, Don is being really supportive and agreed to go with me to the Jenny Craig offices tomorrow. I've known people who have had great success with this program and the on-line site was very helpful in my making this decision. I have learned very clearly that I cannot do this on my own.

Writing is the area I want to explore. I love poetry but I have never real delved into the discipline (there's that word again) of poetry. I've never taken a literature class that concentrates on poetry as a writing style. I have loved the writing I do here whether it be reflections, poetry, or reports of the day. But now I think it is time to take a class or join a writing group and immerse myself in the methods of poetry writing and essay writing. I include essay here because I have learned that the short form in writing, like the miniature form in my visual arts is what is most successful for me.

I might not have ever gotten to this place had I not started blogging. Before I started blogging, I was all over the creative map, trying many things and not exploring any of them deeply. I like the work I've done and for the most part, the work is a reflection of my writing style - to use as few words as possible to convey a large message or idea. I admire the artwork of many of the women I have met here but I found that the real pull was for writing.

This week I started cleaning out my studio. It is overrun with art supplies and ephemera. I will keep some of it but I decided today to get rid of most of it, especially the paper and fiber, beads and charms. I'm not quite sure what to do with it all but now that the idea is out there, I'm sure there is an answer right around the corner. Oddly enough, once I decided to do this, it became a lot easier for me to zero in on the direction of my resurrecting studio. I hope by the time it is finished that I will have identified areas for my sewing machine, a writing and art journal area, and storage for family photos going back to the 19th century. I have lots of archiving to do.

I have all of you to thank for this. Being welcomed into your creative worlds has helped me to finally discover what it is I want to do and grow in those efforts in a more structured way. But this time is will a structure that I build. Thoughts and input accepted and desired but in the end I will finally have the creative house and healthy body that Annie built.

Bridges (another) and Vicci's old photo challenge

I am putting this time off to good use. Writing heals many hurts. Cleaning and clearing resurrect memories and form bridges over time. I am three in the first picture, sitting but ready to leap from my mother's lap. Below it, I'm 27 and embracing my son, Quanah, holding fast to my lap.





















Bridge across love's lap
One child ready to leap 'way
Another holding close.

One Deep Breath - Bridges

I noticed the theme for this week's haiku and I was compelled to drop in for a brief visit and post this. It fits with my reflections this week.

BRIDGES

Looking across space
Hands span across history
Bridge across, fractures

Photos from StockExchange

Sadness

I've been feeling sad for a few days now and haven't been able to pick myself up. I have a break from work now that spring is here. I work Monday and Tuesday but other than that, I have a lot of time to take for myself. I think I need to leave for a while and focus on . . . . well, hopefully I'll have something to share here when I return. I'll be back after Spring Break though I will continue my visits to all of you.

Think Blog Award

Carmen, God lover her, elected me for a Thinking Blog Award. This was certainly a timely award since I am on the verge of retreating into a break - to think. Thank you Carmen for this honor. Here are five blogs that move me and I visit daily. If you have not seen some of these blogs, please visit.

A House in the Woods - Britt-Arhild's gentle connection with the world around her soothes me.

The soft colors of Nature Girl's world soothe me.

Ret's poetry makes me dig deep

Autrice's observations on her past, present, and future always end up making me laugh.

Tammy shows the how of courage

So here are the rules: If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think and let them know how they have inspire you and if you wish to display the thinking award logo in your post.

Evolution

Purple Gypsey was noting changes in her style recently and the changes seemed to apply to improved self-understanding. I understand this feeling completely.

My closet started evolving four months ago.
Looking back, it seems like I was always looking to the opinions of others
even if the asking was only in my head.
Now I'm starting to seek my opinion only and stand up for myself

when faced with criticism.

It's a hard habit to break.

It's an even harder art to achieve.
I am beginning to like my closet better.

I don't think I'm talking solely about style anymore.

An Update from Frida and Hats for Kids

Frida wrote to me this morning and is feeling very badly that the last piece of the Hats for Kids project isn't coming together as expected. The boxes have been in Ghor with Julija for a month now, and they still have not been distributed. Frida has made several polite reminders, and asked what she could do to help but apparently not much from a distance.

We know how personally and how deeply to heart Frida takes her work and its success. Please, all of you, drop a note to Frida assuring her of our faith in and gratitude for her efforts. Let her know that we understand that the logistics of such actions are not always achieved in the straight line that we are so used to in our much cozier and more organized world.

Magnea, a secondary contact, left Ghor last week and before she left she was told that they had sorted all the boxes into different sizes so that things could be distributed easily (you bring the children out in ages groups). She was also told that they have told the orphanage director to expect them. The orphanage moved locations this month (which is a GOOD thing, in the old location they didn't have running hot water) and that seems to have been part of the delay. Also there has been a rotation of most of the team at the Lithuanian base, which is another part of the delay.

Frida is very wary of sounding critical as they agreed to help on top of everything else they are doing but she feel really bad for me and all the others who went to such an effort to get these here in time for this winter.

She thinks that the winter is pretty much over now. But it remains cold up in the mountains of Ghor through June, so she has been told, since she was in Kabul last year. So there will still be time for the children to get goodness from the woolens if they are distributed soon. However, she is sure the woolens will be treasured and kept safe for next winter. Based on my readings of life in Afghanistan, I believe this to be true.

These delays and her disappointment has been wrecking havoc with her conscience and her sleep patterns! So she has written to them again today with another gentle reminder and copied it to another new person on the base, a really cool guy who seems to be fairly “get things done". She has great hopes that he might help move things along.

Remember, please, all of you, drop a note to Frida assuring her of our faith and lend her the emotional support she so clearly needs.