Please visit me here these days. SFASMT has been parked permanently at the train station.

I'm thinking of taking a rest from blogging. I love it here but I'm feeling very unproductive. My friend Biene says I'm resting. There is so much on my mind that I need to think about that I'm going to just kick back for a while. I actually have lots I would like to do, including a challenge meme from Mary at Beadfluff . I won't be entirely away though. I will continue to keep up reading and staying in touch. I would miss everyone terribly if I just fell off the edge of the earth. I just don't have anything in me right now to share so I'm going to slip away from a while.

******************
Follow-up - later, after posting the above, I had a sort of epiphany. The reason for resting is really for regrouping and refocusing. I will probably still be posting here occasionally but I'll be spending most of my time at my In My Dreams blog. If my purpose for the next couple of years is to prepare for a reshaped reality, then I need to start acting like I am truly seeing myself so I can make my dreams come true.

Signs of Summer's Approach

Benchmarkers

This week marked a couple of different anniversaries for me. DH and I observed our 30th wedding anniversary on Tuesday and then yesterday I was honored for 20 years of service at the university where I work. I have to ask you, “WHERE does time go”?

We liked the idea of the Grand Canyon being our anniversary celebration so we earmarked that time as our special time. No other observances needed, just cards. Of course, I remembered the card BUT forgot to buy one for him. Typical. But, I made it up to him. (Glinting little grin happening here.)

Then yesterday the campus hosted the annual staff and faculty honors for time put in. I go to this event every five years. This was my 4th and marked 20 years. The nice thing about this particular benchmark is that I won't have to wait five more years. I'll only be waiting three years. I'll be retiring in 2 1/2 years and I'll be called back as a retiree. I LIKE that.

Also, this year they had two drawings for gift certificates. I never pay much attention to these because the last time my name was called was 20!!!! years ago when I first came to the campus. It was at some other event. How surprised was I when my name was called. I am now in possession of a $25 American Express gift check. So, how will I spend it? Hummm . . . Books? Yarn? Dinner with DH? Cash for my next road trip with Elaine? Well, whatever. It was a nice surprise and is presently being used as a bookmark in my current GOOD READ - The Confession of Fitzwilliam Darcy. For Jane Austen lovers, this is a lovely read. It's Pride and Prejudice from Darcy's point of view. Fun reading.

I find I'm slowing down in a lot of ways. Not much going on and I'm losing myself in reading, crocheting, and watching TV in the evenings (usually 2 and sometimes 3 all at once). No inspiration these days for writing, photography, or any sort of creative activity. Darn. I thought winter was over but unfortunately, the Muse does not seem to know this yet.

The Future

I learned about 10 years ago that I can retrain my mind so that I don't worry so much; not anticipate the worst that can happen. Somewhere along the line, I had learned to believe that if you imagined the worst that could happen, it certain would NOT happen. For the most part, I found that credo to live by true, but, it was an exhausting and demanding credo.

Then, ten years ago, DH was approaching his first retirement. We had just moved to Turlock, bought a home, and in 18 months, he would be retired and looking for a second career path. I knew that no matter what, this retirement was inevitable, so I decided it was time to not worry so much about what it would mean financially but to turn my thoughts to acceptance.

This mental retraining was hard work. I was swimming up the stream against the very credo that had sustained me for too many years - if you expect the worst, you won't be disappointed when things don't go as bad as they might have. So - how did I manage this?

Well, I knew what I feared so RECOGNITION had been achieved. Once the fear was recognized and acknowledged, I was able to start seeing it in all of its disguises. Once I was able to see my fears and face them, I could turn away from them and as they say "Let go and let God". I was amazed at how well it worked. Not immediately, but, eventually it worked.

Talking yourself out of negative, self-defeating thoughts is sort of like reverse brainwashing, except this time you are literally washing your brain of the thing that holds you back. When the day came for Don's final day of work and more to the point, the following Monday when he did not have to get up for that long commute, all was peaceful within me. I knew and believed that we would be alright. Ten years later and his second and final retirement a year past, I have learned the lesson and I worry a lot less these days.

So now it is my turn. Retirement looms. I have 2 1/2 years to go and I want it so bad I can taste it. But, I learned something else along the way of retraining my fears and disconnecting from them; I also learned that you have to do a bit of planning. I don't mean financial planning, thought that is a given. This plan comes under the heading of "What will I do now that I'm all grown up?"

Certainly, I can kick back. Lord knows, I love to kick it. Give me a book, a cup of coffee, good music, my journal and a serene setting and I'm in heaven. Give me a walk in any sort of weather and my camera will go to work. Give me time to actually have the energy to follow-up on creative inspiration and I'm there. So what will I be doing?

Yesterday I was having coffee with my friend, Elaine, and I told her that I had always had this dream of having a little hole in the wall shop filled with books and treasures. It would be a place where people could come for coffee and tea, a comfortable chair to settle in for a while, a sort of retreat away from home. Elaine says put it out there and it can happen. Not news of course but a good affirmation nonetheless.

Having my own shop would give me a place to present my own work as well. Small books of poetry, my photography, greeting cards, etc. Since I'm still working, I can't do this, however, I can PLAN. The first step was opening my Etsy store. Currently I have a few crocheted items posted and now some of my photography is up.

And then the universe opened up another door - a show. Elaine is developing into a promoter and she has a plan that includes me. Beyond that, there isn't too much to say except that I will be in a show. What an exciting possibility to look forward to.

So, I have a plan. Develop my Etsy store, improve my digital knowledge, put together my poetry into small books, and most importantly, develop consistency and discipline so that I can succeed in my vision.

As we go into the weekend . . .

. . . I would like to share this reminder of the need for peace, the need to resist violence.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kVlssD8kTc