Nutz and Stuff

Have you ever experienced a one step forward, two steps back sort of weekend? Well, that was my weekend. Friday night didn't end for me until 4 a.m. in the freaking morning. Krista's viral infection turned into a full blown allergic reaction to all the meds she was taking. The poor girl ended up looking like a female version of The Thing from Fantastic Four with the mood to match. After two calls to the on-call doctor, stopping of meds and two late night runs to the store for various soothers, (one step / two step - the first) we finally gave up and headed for the ER. The meds for the hives kicked in fast but even today she is still red, if not welty. She saw our family doctor earlier today and I suppose I'll hear about the results of that tonight.

Gus, the family cat, he of the amputated ear, got clearance to head outside again. I'm thinking of putting sunblock on his ears to avoid future skin cancers. With my luck, it will make him sick from fussing with it and licking it off his paws so I guess that is not a great idea. It took two trips to the vet to get the stitches out (90 minute lunch and I arrived 10 minutes into it). Another one step / two step moment.

Don continues to come back from the cataract surgery. He read an entire book this weekend without glasses. I think I am seriously jealously.

And me. Well, I was a crocheting fool this weekend. I met up with Wendy at Borders for the first time. Yes, Tammy and Biene and MaryEllen and Lisa and Cory and Vicci, etc. etc. I managed another meet-up. Wendy is a young woman who knits, crochets, and teaches. She is building a local fiber group and I have managed to get myself in it at the ground floor. Nice gal with two little girls. She was a terrific help and pointed me in the right direction away from some bad habits. I'm crocheting has improved already. No pictures but we meet again in a month so I'll try for them then.

Finally, the weekend is ending. I haven't gotten to Mass yet so at 5:45 I'm heading out the door. I arrive to an overflowing parking lot. Turns out 6 pm Mass was a 4:30 Confirmation Mass this week. Okay, God, I know it is all about intent so I know I won't be in hot water if I actually miss Mass this week. However, here in town we have another parish with one LATE Mass that starts at 6:45 pm. So, falling into my third one step / two step of the weekend, I head home, kick my feet up, head out again 30 minutes later and get home after 8 pm.

The bathroom still needs to be cleaned. This week's laundry is still in a pile. But I sure learned how to perfect my Two Step. So . . . how was YOUR weekend?

Inspiration from DownUnder

Lee-Ann's vintage milk jug covers inspired me to try my hand at a bit of simple crocheting. I chose a basic granny square to get the hang of it for size and then hung leaf buttons on the corners for weight. I noticed in looking back that a scalloped edge of beads in going around the ones she pictures. I'm starting another one today and I'll try that. In the meantime, here is my first effort into string crocheting. It would be fun to make lots of these and connect them to make a delicate bedcover perhaps for a guestroom.

A Random Act of Goodness, II

Back in January, I received anonymously the gift of a manger to add to my manger collection. I was so surprised and delighted and touched at that time and so incredibly grateful that my words were actually helping someone else. It was shortly after that that I changed my profile to reflect the unknown ripples that our actions and words can have out "there" without our necessarily ever knowing about it.

Then yesterday I received yet another reminder of the good we do for each other. I believe my anonymous angel has struck (in the best sense of the word) again. Yesterday I came home to a package with "A Friend" on the return address and this sweet little "You Inspire Me" angel tucked inside. Isn't she just so sweet?

Dear Friend, thank you for you kindness. Your sweet angel was the cherry on the top of a great sundae of the day and gave me strength to get me through what was going to prove to be a very long night. But that is a story to be posted later in the day.

A Few Pictures from Frida

Though she isn't identified, Frida indicated in a note that a young woman named Heidi (in Ghor) distributed the woolies. I believe then that this must be Heidi.



For some reason, this young fella totally charmed me.



Boys are the same all over the world aren't they?





The girls, on the other hand, were very reserved in their picture. They look sad but Frida indicated that is partly because they are unsure of and uncomfortable with the cameras. Of course it is also because their lives are tough and they are in fact sad and tired and old beyond their years.

Bad Dreams

As I forge through my second week with Jenny, I find I have been passing some very difficult evening challenges. I've had two evenings in a row that I've wanted to EAT. Interestingly, I wasn't hungry. However, last night I was aware of Don's post cataract surgery condition (no problems) and was deeply concerned about Krista's illness.

I suppose it doesn't really matter how old your child is when they have been derailed by these sorts of illness; one always worries while trying to be reassuring. So I was hit by the challenge of comfort eating. Comfort eating has always been a way to distract myself from my immediate concerns. I got through it. Rewiring of the old habits continues but my brain got angry with me and in the middle of the night hit me with a nasty dream about my mother. Sometime during my sleep this night I was hit with a very troubling dream.

I found myself on the 3rd floor of a very long building. It appeared as though I entered from a middle entrance. Once I reached the 3rd floor I turned right and started down a long hallway. The hall was so long, starting at the mid-point of the building, that I could not see the information desk/nursing station I was seeking. Eventually I arrived.

When I arrived at the nursing station I was given my mother's room number. This alone seemed odd to me that I did not know her location ahead of time, just that she was there in the building. The room number was a 4 digit number with an 11 in there somewhere. The most disturbing part o f the dream was being told that the resident doctore would not see my mother or do anything to help her. This would have included care and comfort. From there the dream started to unravel and I never did see myself going in search of my mother's room.

I'm sure that on some level my brain was reacting in anger to my not giving in to the comfort eating impulse last night. Krista has been very sick as well with a viral infection an ulcer in her throat and badly swollen glands behind both ears. I have been wearing the mother hat of caring for my sick child and also remember clearly how out of control I felt to help my mother.

The Pirate and his first mate

This morning went as usual but instead of going to work I took Don to the medical center to have the first of two cataract surgeries. He got his first implant (as opposed to lens replacement) on his right eye. In two weeks he will have the left eye taken care of. Having the implants, he will be able to see without wearing glasses for the first time since he was 4-5 years old.

Being at the hospital reminded me of one of the important reasons I signed on with Jenny Craig - for the sake of my health. After years of taking care of a sick mom and more years watching my dad deal with cancer, I have concluded that if I actually have 25-30 years left in me, I sure don't want to live them in poor to declining health. With a history of heart disease and hypertension and strokes on both sides of my mom's family, I am a prime candidate for the same.

Yes, my self-image has suffered over the years due to lots of internal pressures, but those realities don't exist anymore, only the bad results that come with unconscious comfort eating and the old mind tricks that just have to be deprogrammed. In these last decades of my life, I want to experience things fully and with strength and clarity.

So, that being said, I'm off to take care of lunch and then leave for work around 1 p.m. Dr. Lee says Don (the pirate with his eye patch) did just fine and can be on his own.

Hats for Kids - It HAPPENED!!

I just heard from Frida! The woolies have been distributed. She is sending me pictures so I will have more to post tomorrow. In the meanwhile, click HERE for pictures at Frida's site. We DID it!!

Sunday Scribbles - ROOTS

Rooted in my past
to family
to values
to ideas
to experiences
Rooted in my own history

Rooting in change
in growth
in maturity
in new experiences
Rooting in fresh and fertile soil.

The roots of the past
unravel
release
expand and
push out
The roots of the present
making
Roots for the future.

VOICES

A shared sorrow beyond words yet we reach out with words despite that.

We lost one of our own, we lost many. We lost sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, friends, husbands, wives.

The same thread that separated loved ones from us too soon now draws us all closer together in a shared sorrow beyond words.

Ryan
happy, optimistic, made time for everyone

Emily
filled with optimism, just starting out

Reema
an artist and dancer who lit out the stage

Caitlin
made you smile on your best day or your worst, she gave hope like a gift

Ross
wanted to be a doctor, a healer

Mary
delicate and soft-spoken, she shared what she had and remembered to honor others.

Maxine
happy and filled with optimism for the future

Dan
blended engineering and music, creating a full and balanced life

G. V. Loganathan
husband, father, beloved teacher, who understood the big picture

Matthew
quiet and shy but extremely forceful; you knew he would have made a difference in the world

Jeremy
Outgoing, happy, and giving

Rachel
Curious, avid learner, an inspiration to all around her

Erin
Just unfolding and growing into a beautiful flower

Jarrett
He did so much and did it all so well; you would wonder when he had time to sleep

Henry
Full of life and up for anything; life was a series of happenings

Juan Ramon
Husband, teacher, smart, sweet, amiable

Lauren
Her deep commitment to Jesus Christ gave her inner peace

Nicole
Smart, loving; she went out of her way to help others

Julie
She always had a smile and thoroughly enjoyed life

Brian
It was all about sports, teaching, and enjoying people

Austin
A talented young woman, athlete, loved children; so young, a life unrealized

Leslie
“I know it may seem kind of silly, but I think that all the small things and little joys in life make it worth living.”

Christopher
Husband, teacher, multilingual artist and favorite of students

Liviu
A Holocaust Survivor – he saved 15 lives that day before losing his own.

Kevin
Husband and father who brought an almost child-like enthusiasm to his work

Michael
A big man, the LaCross team enforcer with a soft side that he was not afraid to show

Jocelyn
Wife, mother, teacher – there was always a sparkle in her eye

Daniel
Athletic and good humored, he was always looking ahead to the future

For all those victimized by the recent violence
at Virginia Tech University
that they be surrounded by God’s comfort and consolation
in the care offered by others.

May a spirit of strength pervade the
Virginia Tech community as a witness
to the power of forgiveness, hope, and reconciling love –
I pray to the Lord

It's not a workday - I'm so happy

I woke up about 6:30 this morning and knew that it was going to be a good day, I could feel it in my bones. It didn't matter that it was chilly and overcast. It didn't matter rain might come our way and wash out The Taste of Turlock (more about that coming up). I just knew that things would get done.

By the time I left the house I had thrown out more of the paper build up that plagues our house. Where does this junk paper come from????????? I did two loads of my laundry, watered and cleaned the garden of debris, noted that the tree roots were starting to wreck the brickwork that we had put in just two years ago (sigh), and mailed The Reluctant Fundamentalist to Toni and one of Q's subscription journals to him. Q - change the address!


Last month we purchased tickets ($15 each) to Taste of Turlock, a food sampling tour of the downtown restaurants. Of course that was a month before I joined Jenny Craig. That was five weeks before I went for my first weight-in since joining (that would be this morning) and when Don reminded me of the event, I knew I had a problem. Unwilling to give up my afternoon out with Don, I decided to talk about the problem with my Jenny Craig counselor. The good news is that I lost 5.6 lbs. this week. I expect to lose 3-4 lb by next week but then it will slow down. In the meantime, I had today to deal with.

After much discussion I realized what was really important to me was not losing this afternoon date with Don. The food was secondary, maybe not even secondary. So understanding that the food wasn't terribly important and the lose of 5.6 lbs was, I confidently went to Taste of Turlock and sampled very tiny morsels of the samples offered.

Little went wrong this afternoon. Even the little shower didn't put a damper on the stroll but I wasn't happy when I discovered that the batteries had gone dead in my camera. This was not a good thing. I would have no visual memory of my triumph over food temptation.

Not being one to stop at Plan A, I immediately devised a Plan B. Most of the tables and restaurants had brochures and business cards so I started collecting. The two pictures here are the results of the collecting - my Plan B. The cute little napkins are from Mistletoe and Roses Tea Room. I also had one of my countless notebooks with me and so at various stops I got to work recording a word memory of the tiny morsels I ate or avoided.


My biggest "sin" of the day had to be the normal slice of brie I allowed myself to enjoy but I skipped the crackers. Mustard Seed Catering also had artichoke hearts covered with an artichoke/cream cheese mixture. One bite and I slid the artichoke over to Don. It was good but I was being virtuous. I had determined that one fully savored taste of a tiny morsel of a sample was just as good as consuming the whole thing. And so the day went:

1/2 scone, fruit, spiced pear hot tea;
Two tiny slices of mini-quiche (which equaled about 1/3 of an snack sized quiche);
A tablespoon of lowfat Carmel praline ice cream;
A taste of Don's peanut butter tart;
One bite of chicken Alfredo;
Skipped the ravioli and cheese sauce at Bistro;
Skipped the strawberry dipped in white chocolate (that was painful);
but enjoyed one sweet undipped strawberry elsewhere;
Two spice shrimps (not fried) from Mi Casa;
1/3 of a classic dog with mustard - one nibble of the bun and tossed the remainder;
1/4 C of minestrone soup (as opposed to the 1 C they were handing out) and a bite of skirt steak;
Latifs had to die for peach cobbler. I'm a crust girl. I skipped the crust, enjoyed the peaches;
Our favorite Henry's Restaurant served up a 2T serving of chicken/rice soup, terriaki chicken and chicken Parmesan. Skipped most of the rice and spaghetti.
We closed out our eating tour at Cafe Insomnia and enjoyed about a 1/4C of banana smoothie.

It was sprinkling by the time we started to the car but a little rain didn't matter. We had a very fun afternoon. It's evening now. No one is hungry and I'm going to tackle (yet again) my battle with teaching myself how to start a granny square and successful starting the second round - but more about that on another post.

Thinking Blog Redux

I feel so blessed. I've have been nominated yet again by someone for this special award. I can't express enough how meaningful it is to me to know that there are people out there and who are literally all over the world, who like to drop in to my little corner and hear what is happening and then be touch by it. Thank you Gypsy. If you have not met Gypsy yet, please drop in and visit. She has one of the prettiest blogs all filled with inspirational photos to color your world.

Here are five more blogs that I enjoy. For information one how to continue, go here. Participation is entirely optional.

Turquoise Cro - For color and energy enough to light up a city block.

Spiritdoll - For honesty, a passion for life, and for the darn cute bunny.

Deowriter - For her moving poetry

Boomer Chronicles - For some great daily sound bytes

The Garden Path - For one of the perfect examples of why we need to take care of our world.

About White Kitties

For the passed four months, we have been trying to heal a wound on our Gus' left ear. After four months of fighting the increasing damaging effects of his scratching and swatting paw on his ear, and noticing that his ear for really deteriorating, I took him to our vet. That was when I discovered that white cats are very susceptible to cancer on their ear tips due to sun exposure. I had NO idea about this.

So, to make a long story short, Gus had his left ear about 50% snipped on Wednesday. He is all shaved and all stitched up and looks a bit lopsided but it is a very good thing that we did this. The vet just called me and she indicated that the lab had indeed determined that Gus had a skin cancer.

So now I have an additional lesson to impart re: cancer and white cats. Though this type of cancer does not usually metastasize, we need to be very watchful of not only the effected ear but also the other ear. In addition, if we notice Gus' nose changing we have the very serious problem of not being able to effectively treat a nose cancer on a cat. And we need to watch for lumps under kitty's chin.

I took a picture of Gus' after ear but have not posted it here. It doesn't look all that bad but I thought it might make sensitive hearts cry. When Kris took Gus out of his carrier, she started crying.

Baby Blanket

Years ago I did basic crocheting then stopped. Last year I started knitting but then I stopped that too. I found some of my old crocheting work and thought I might like to start that again. Then my SIL gave me a gift certificate for a yarn shop so I knew crocheting was on my horizon again.

Last week I was going through some of my mom's stuff and found yarn and a granny square that she must have started before her stroke several years ago. The square seemed to speak to me to start up again and not waste any time. I picked up the square and hook and after a bit of time figured out what to do.

This little blanket, when I start was only about four rounds into the central blue color. A week later it is finished. Along the way I learned a very important lesson. Always be sure the weight of the yarn you are using is the same throughout. The blanket is a little wavy. But I feel a strong connection with my mom with the completion of this blanket and I'm already hard at work trying to master the art of making that first connection to get the basic square going. So far, well . . . I have a lot to learn.

Downtime is a good thing

Four days into my five days off and I'm feeling much more rested. I've needed to just decompress from work and I don't mind saying that until I started writing this post today, I had not thought about work once.

I've also been able to do a lot of writing, reflecting, and met with my spiritual director, Fr. Silva, yesterday. I really poured out some stuff to him and it's amazing how helpful a totally objective and insightful person can be. So, even though I still have much thinking and interior work to do, I have already passed one test and I'm pleased with how I managed things.

There are lots of micro-sized things to work on but the big picture item is now being without any responsibility to aging parents or growing children. I have complete freedom to pursue who I am. I know that is a way over-used phrase but that is exactly what is going on. I am learning how to be true to and secure about myself, understand myself, and I'm starting to zero in on the most true expression of the creative side of myself.

I'm discovering that the areas I felt I was lacking in and that I viewed as a weakness (focus, authority, discipline, and structure - FADS) were actually expressions of my more introverted and reflective personality. I show a very different face to the world so I'm often mistaken as being a gregarious and outgoing person. Surprise, surprise - I'm not really the extrovert I thought I was. Yes, I'm not shy; yes, I'm open and friendly to people, but I find it much easier to be on my own or close to just my immediately family and long-time friends, then pursuing day in and day out social friendships. Basically, I'm accepting that I am very comfortable in my own skin and I should not view the lack of a large social network as a failure on my part. I guess a good way to put this is, where friendships/family relationships are concerned quality will always win out over quantity.

Mom's death has freed me to stand on my own; has freed me to move forward to a discovery of my real strengths and along the way, I'm discovering that FADS are really my friends, not the negatives that I have come to view them as. I can tell FOCUS that it is alright if I daydream. Daydreams are what bring me to my poetry and vision of the world around me. I can tell AUTHORITY that even though I might consult with others, in the end, it is my opinion, my feelings that count. I can tell DISCIPLINE that it is perfectly alright if I don't go from point A to point B with no sidetrips inbetween. If I finish something fast, fine. If it takes me years, fine. And I can tell STRUCTURE that I'm not a youth anymore. I don't need the structures and rules of childhood to clutter my adult thinking. I don't need to have my adult mind intruded upon by voices that sound like lecturing scolds.

Coming to grips with the adult person that I am isn't easy. Even though I feel I have been a successful adult - strong marriage, adult children that are managing life well, a job I feel a lot of loyalty to and responsibilty for - there are still those lessons to learn when you are on your own and cut loose from whatever it is that ties you to the idea of putting others first.

The two things that I would like to change and improve on are weight and writing.

Weight is a complicated issue for nearly all women and I have no intention of exploring my weight issues here. However, I did make a decision today to try again to get healthy. After mentioning bi-pass surgery to Don, I discovered that he was not keen on the idea at all. He asked me why I couldn't try again with something that I have tried with some success in the past. Since I know that the 3 week or 3 month mark tend to be my downfall times, I'm going to go into this time with a counselor and tackle those tough times as they approach and ask for help getting through them. Also, Don is being really supportive and agreed to go with me to the Jenny Craig offices tomorrow. I've known people who have had great success with this program and the on-line site was very helpful in my making this decision. I have learned very clearly that I cannot do this on my own.

Writing is the area I want to explore. I love poetry but I have never real delved into the discipline (there's that word again) of poetry. I've never taken a literature class that concentrates on poetry as a writing style. I have loved the writing I do here whether it be reflections, poetry, or reports of the day. But now I think it is time to take a class or join a writing group and immerse myself in the methods of poetry writing and essay writing. I include essay here because I have learned that the short form in writing, like the miniature form in my visual arts is what is most successful for me.

I might not have ever gotten to this place had I not started blogging. Before I started blogging, I was all over the creative map, trying many things and not exploring any of them deeply. I like the work I've done and for the most part, the work is a reflection of my writing style - to use as few words as possible to convey a large message or idea. I admire the artwork of many of the women I have met here but I found that the real pull was for writing.

This week I started cleaning out my studio. It is overrun with art supplies and ephemera. I will keep some of it but I decided today to get rid of most of it, especially the paper and fiber, beads and charms. I'm not quite sure what to do with it all but now that the idea is out there, I'm sure there is an answer right around the corner. Oddly enough, once I decided to do this, it became a lot easier for me to zero in on the direction of my resurrecting studio. I hope by the time it is finished that I will have identified areas for my sewing machine, a writing and art journal area, and storage for family photos going back to the 19th century. I have lots of archiving to do.

I have all of you to thank for this. Being welcomed into your creative worlds has helped me to finally discover what it is I want to do and grow in those efforts in a more structured way. But this time is will a structure that I build. Thoughts and input accepted and desired but in the end I will finally have the creative house and healthy body that Annie built.

Bridges (another) and Vicci's old photo challenge

I am putting this time off to good use. Writing heals many hurts. Cleaning and clearing resurrect memories and form bridges over time. I am three in the first picture, sitting but ready to leap from my mother's lap. Below it, I'm 27 and embracing my son, Quanah, holding fast to my lap.





















Bridge across love's lap
One child ready to leap 'way
Another holding close.

One Deep Breath - Bridges

I noticed the theme for this week's haiku and I was compelled to drop in for a brief visit and post this. It fits with my reflections this week.

BRIDGES

Looking across space
Hands span across history
Bridge across, fractures

Photos from StockExchange

Sadness

I've been feeling sad for a few days now and haven't been able to pick myself up. I have a break from work now that spring is here. I work Monday and Tuesday but other than that, I have a lot of time to take for myself. I think I need to leave for a while and focus on . . . . well, hopefully I'll have something to share here when I return. I'll be back after Spring Break though I will continue my visits to all of you.

Think Blog Award

Carmen, God lover her, elected me for a Thinking Blog Award. This was certainly a timely award since I am on the verge of retreating into a break - to think. Thank you Carmen for this honor. Here are five blogs that move me and I visit daily. If you have not seen some of these blogs, please visit.

A House in the Woods - Britt-Arhild's gentle connection with the world around her soothes me.

The soft colors of Nature Girl's world soothe me.

Ret's poetry makes me dig deep

Autrice's observations on her past, present, and future always end up making me laugh.

Tammy shows the how of courage

So here are the rules: If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think and let them know how they have inspire you and if you wish to display the thinking award logo in your post.

Evolution

Purple Gypsey was noting changes in her style recently and the changes seemed to apply to improved self-understanding. I understand this feeling completely.

My closet started evolving four months ago.
Looking back, it seems like I was always looking to the opinions of others
even if the asking was only in my head.
Now I'm starting to seek my opinion only and stand up for myself

when faced with criticism.

It's a hard habit to break.

It's an even harder art to achieve.
I am beginning to like my closet better.

I don't think I'm talking solely about style anymore.

An Update from Frida and Hats for Kids

Frida wrote to me this morning and is feeling very badly that the last piece of the Hats for Kids project isn't coming together as expected. The boxes have been in Ghor with Julija for a month now, and they still have not been distributed. Frida has made several polite reminders, and asked what she could do to help but apparently not much from a distance.

We know how personally and how deeply to heart Frida takes her work and its success. Please, all of you, drop a note to Frida assuring her of our faith in and gratitude for her efforts. Let her know that we understand that the logistics of such actions are not always achieved in the straight line that we are so used to in our much cozier and more organized world.

Magnea, a secondary contact, left Ghor last week and before she left she was told that they had sorted all the boxes into different sizes so that things could be distributed easily (you bring the children out in ages groups). She was also told that they have told the orphanage director to expect them. The orphanage moved locations this month (which is a GOOD thing, in the old location they didn't have running hot water) and that seems to have been part of the delay. Also there has been a rotation of most of the team at the Lithuanian base, which is another part of the delay.

Frida is very wary of sounding critical as they agreed to help on top of everything else they are doing but she feel really bad for me and all the others who went to such an effort to get these here in time for this winter.

She thinks that the winter is pretty much over now. But it remains cold up in the mountains of Ghor through June, so she has been told, since she was in Kabul last year. So there will still be time for the children to get goodness from the woolens if they are distributed soon. However, she is sure the woolens will be treasured and kept safe for next winter. Based on my readings of life in Afghanistan, I believe this to be true.

These delays and her disappointment has been wrecking havoc with her conscience and her sleep patterns! So she has written to them again today with another gentle reminder and copied it to another new person on the base, a really cool guy who seems to be fairly “get things done". She has great hopes that he might help move things along.

Remember, please, all of you, drop a note to Frida assuring her of our faith and lend her the emotional support she so clearly needs.